Mel Torme once said, “If you’ve got a rat in the room, suck that rat’s dick dry.” He never said that, and right now I actually can’t remember who Mel Torme was, or if he is actually still alive. Hold on as I check the boundless reaches of my pocket computer… Ah-ha! He was a jazz musician! so maybe he could have said that. Anyone also referred to at “The Velvet Fog” surely got away with saying tons of things, not limited to sucking on rat dicks.
Now what I have really gathered you here at this burning garbage can was not to make up quotes from people whose name I only vaguely remember, but to tell you of the health benefits of Herbalife. You see, I am an easily swayed health enthusiast who enjoys personal validation through the mass consumption of cheaply made flavored protein powders. What kind of powders you ask? Why there’s a big sack of Herbalife bullshit for nearly any taste or occasion!
Breakfast, brunch, lunch, and dinner! Want a smoothie? Who doesn’t?! Just mix up some Herba-smooth mix with your freshest tap water and you’ll have a pint of health mud in seconds. And don’t worry about the chalk flavor, or the fact that your body doesn’t want to ingest it. You’re going to be selling it to your friends, slowly alienating them as they realize that being in a pyramid scheme slowly outweighs your friendship anyway, so who cares? Want a bite of a healthy sandwich? Shut up, stupid! Just mix some mix up a flavorful herba-wich and drink your sandwich down. Mmm-mmm! Tuna and mustard never went down so smooth.
Now my fellow trash barrel brethren, you might be thinking, “But I like to chew my food. Also, I hate to exercise incessantly. And my friendships are way two important to introduce sales… blah, blah, blah.” Am I right? Well check this out… you’re wrong!
Everything you are and do is wrong! Are you happy right now? No you aren’t! Because how much happier COULD you be if only you exercised enough to make all your clothes spandex? How happy COULD you be if you replaced all your food with powders made out of old beans and smarties candy? Your idea of what happiness is, could be expanded times a MILLION by Herbalife! That makes what you think of contentment now actually a living hell! You can’t even comprehend it, can you?
Well let me show you by example. I’ve become so happy and healthy from Herbalife, that I’ve decided right here and now to ascend from this mortal purgatory into Herba-Heaven. A spandex filled Eden where protein powder flows like the Mississippi, and all are welcome for a buy in fee that is directed through me, that I split with my Herb-Lord who let me in. He then splits off a percentage with his Herb-Lord and, well you get the picture.
I will now ascend! But before I go, be sure to sign up. I have contracts over there on the hood of my Prius. Goodbye!
(He then shoved his own foot down his throat, choking to death)