Changing!

robertselander — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 05:41:04 +0000

Recently I was changing from my work clothes into my regular clothes in the bathroom at work. I usually do this in the handicap stall as it has room and a handy pull down shelf used for changing poopy baby diapers. As I was changing, a sassy gay man came into the bathroom and immediately said, “Hey, who’s changing in here?” I knew he was sassy and gay by the tenor, and inflection in his voice. I couldn’t tell the ethnicity as pretty much all stereotypical sassy gay men sound like stereotypical black women. After this man spoke I remained quiet. I heard again, “I know someone is changing in here.”

I remained silent.

There was no way that answering that sassy gay man’s question would answer any relevant questions or make anyone feel in any way comfortable or secure. After another silent pause I heard the gay man begin to piss and hum Lady Gaga’s “Bad Romance”

I finished changing before he had finished pissing, so I waited– in complete silence– until he left before I left.

That’s how I roll.

Gelledemoore The Comedy Wizard RETURNS

robertselander — Tue, 22 Mar 2011 16:00:38 +0000

Gelledemoore The Comedy Wizard will return as a magical guide in the next DESTRUCTO! May the power of WIZARDRY save you…

DESTRUCTO… The Show From Beyond!! March 18th!

robertselander — Fri, 04 Mar 2011 07:31:15 +0000

It’s time for a new installment of DESTRUCTO!!!

The monthly adventure-sketch show that melds hilarious characters, interactive animation, music, puppets and some of the best stand-up comedy that LA has to offer. In the back of a comic book shop, heroes Sean Hart (FOD), Drennon Davis (NBC’s LCS & Last Call) and Robert Selander (The Gong Show) do their best to save their nerdy world from super villains, minions and a range of other idiots. Will they succeed or will they Destructo? $6 admission, free beer and soda.

This month, on Destructo:

BOOBIES!

DINOSAUCERS!

SEX TAPES!

DEVIANT SEXUAL ACTS!

MUMMIES!

CONSPIRACIES!

DEATH METAL!

With Special Guest- KEVIN AVERY!!

You can buy tickets HERE at Meltdown Comics’ page: http://www.meltcomics.com/blog/2011/02/14/destructo-the-show-from-beyond-march-18th-2011-meltdowncomics/

Tickets are $6 at the door. Food can be ordered right outside the show from the Mars Hotdog Cart along with FREE BEER and soda for all!

The Beak of Love

robertselander — Tue, 15 Feb 2011 21:06:28 +0000

This is a scene from my soon-to-be-completed film, “The Beak of Love”. Enjoy.

Calvin: I’m in love with you, Perigreen Falcon.

Perigreen Falcon: CAAAWWWW!!!

Calvin: Are you?

Perigreen Falcon: CAAAWWWW!!

Calvin: I’m glad you feel the same way.

Perigreen Falcon: CAAAWWWWW-CAAAWWWW!!!!

Calvin: Who cares what they think? They’re don’t understand! No one can understand our love!

Perigreen Falcon: SQUAAKK!!

Calvin: You’re right. They will try to seperate us. I won’t let them! I would die if we were apart!

Perigreen Falcon: peep.

Calvin: Don’t worry my love. They will never get to us. We’ll fly away!

Perigreen Falcon: CAAWWW!

Calvin: I know I can’t fly like you! But we’ll make it work! I don’t know how, but you and me, I just feel like anything is possible!

Perigreen Falcon: CAW!

Calvin: Besides, all I can really think about right now is spending my life with you.

Perigreen Falcon: squeeek!

Calvin: That’s right Sweetie-pie. We can have a nice nest on a high cliff where you can lay my eggs and we’ll be happy… forever.

Perigreen Falcon: …caaawww.

Calvin: We’ll hunt for fish in the rivers below. We’ll soar over the valleys of the lowlands! We’ll be a majestic flock! It will be great!

Perigreen Falcon: ….

Calvin: What is it my dear?

Perigreen Falcon: …peep

Calvin: No, it can’t be!

Perigreen Falcon: … peep

Calvin: You have cancer! NOO!!!

Perigreen Falcon: … squawk

Calvin: This is terrible. Is it terminal?

Perigreen Falcon: CAAW!

Calvin: The gizzard, eh? We’ll that’s not so bad. We can see a doctor… Get it removed.

Perigreen Falcon: CAAWWW!!

Calvin: You don’t have insurance? But… I thought you were financially secure…

Perigreen Falcon: CAAWW!!

Calvin: You’re parent’s? But they won’t support you now! Why did you lie?

Perigreen Falcon: …

Calvin: I see. You didn’t want to ruin what we had. Well I don’t care! I don’t care about gizzard cancer! I STILL LOVE YOU!! We’ll cure you Perigreen Falcon! Even if I have to remove the Cancer myself!!

Perigreen Falcon: CAAAWW!!!

Calvin: That’s the ticket! Now come on my beauty! On to Minneapolis!!

Perigreen Falcon: CAAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!!

DESTRUCTO… The Show From Beyond!! Feb 18th!!

robertselander — Wed, 02 Feb 2011 09:13:23 +0000

Hey Everyone! Here’s what’s happening with Destructo this Month–

From the minds of Robert Selander, Sean Hart, and Drennon Davis comes Destructo… The Show From Beyond!
Combining characters, video, sketch comedy, special guests, music, and everything else in between, Destructo is what you want to see!

This Month on Destructo–

SEX TAPES!

HATE!

THE NEWS!

MUMMIES!!

AND SPECIAL GUEST- MIKE FUNT!!

This monthly show will be January 21st at Meltdown Comics located at 7522 West Sunset Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90046. Doors open at 7:30pm, show at 8pm. Tickets are $6 at the door. Food can be ordered right outside the show from the Mars Hotdog Cart along with free beer and soda for all!!

See you there!!

Mattress Parade

robertselander — Sat, 15 Jan 2011 22:57:05 +0000

We can all have enough tortillas for the pancake fight. Mine are full of jack hammers. You know, the tiny ones that fit inside your ear lobes. Intertwined with my fear of lipstick is a little baby bottle full of aspirin. We will make him king! King Aspirin of Minnesota! In need more spackle for my bellybutton mountain jamboree. You can’t get tickets, but you can get rickets. FUCK! EXPLETIVE! EXCLAMATION!! Tomato juice has been the leading cause of my heart to palpitate to the beat of “More tHAN A fEELING” BY bOSTON. I’ll get you yet spell check! When I was just a tiny Elvin warlock all my spells were kept in a checkerboard trapperkeeper. Now that I’m an Elvin warlock. I keep them in a fancy breifcase with an iCarly sticker on the front. We can pee together. Just don’t let the streams cross! AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

DESTRUCTO… The Show From Beyond!! January 21st!

robertselander — Wed, 05 Jan 2011 21:32:50 +0000

This month on DESTRUCTO…

DINOSAUCERS!!

FROZEN WALT DISNEY!!

BLACK METAL COMEDIAN, GARY THE IMPALER!!

A DIAMOND IN MY TOOTH!!

From the minds of Robert Selander, Sean Hart, Adam Shenkman, and Drennon Davis comes Destructo… The Show From Beyond!
Combining characters, video, sketch comedy, special guests, music, and anything else in between, Destructo is what everyone wants to see! Aimed at all who love the hilarious, experimental, offbeat, clever, and slightly insane Destructo… The Show From Beyond! proves to be one of the most innovative and original comedy shows in Los Angeles. So drop everything you’re doing! Don’t bother picking up the kids! Let your pets starve! Abandon your night shift at Walgreens! Run down the street grabbing random strangers to come see Destructo… The Show From Beyond!

This monthly show will be January 21^st at Meltdown Comics located at 7522 West Sunset Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90046. Doors open at 7:30pm, show at 8pm. Tickets are $6 at the door. Food can be ordered right outside the show from the Mars Hotdog Cart along with free beer and soda for all!!

Destructo… The Show From Beyond!

robertselander — Tue, 16 Nov 2010 06:08:18 +0000

From the minds of Robert Selander, Sean Hart, Adam Shenkman, and Drennon Davis comes Destructo… The Show From Beyond!
Combining characters, video, sketch comedy, special guests, music, and anything else in between, Destructo is what everyone wants to see! Aimed at all who love the hilarious, experimental, offbeat, clever, and slightly insane Destructo… The Show From Beyond proves to be one of the most innovative and original comedy shows in Los Angeles. So drop everything you’re doing! Don’t bother picking up the kids! Let your pets starve! Abandon your night shift at Walgreens! Run down the street grabbing random strangers to come see Destructo… The Show From Beyond!

The show takes place monthly at Meltdown Comics located at 7522 West Sunset Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90046. Doors open at 7:30pm, show at 8pm. Tickets are $6 at the door and can be bought online at http://bit.ly/BUY_MLT_TIX. Food can be ordered right outside the show from the Mars Hotdog Cart along with free beer and soda for all!!

GET YOUR TICKETS NOW!!!

THE PUNK ROCK VAUDEVILLE ROADSHOW!!!

robertselander — Sat, 16 Oct 2010 17:42:15 +0000

If you missed out last time, now’s your chance to see it… It’s the Punk Rock Vaudeville Roadshow!! Punk Rock!! Comedy!! NAKED WOMEN!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

BURLESQUE!!! COMEDY!!! PUNK ROCK!!!! Don’t miss The Punk Rock Vaudeville Roadshow when it comes to your town!

You’ll be AMAZED when you see all the talents this show has to offer—

The Kountry Kittens Burlesque- A sassy, group of gals who use their “kountrified” and punk rock roots to put a spin on classic burlesque… SEXY!!!

Dishonorable Discharge- Punk Rock angry enough to make the Dhali Llama punch a baby!

Robert Selander- A weirdo comedian known all over for pretending to be wizards and characters from Clue!!

Opening: An Acoustic set by GET DEAD!!

Here are the Dates-

Nov 4- Last Day Saloon, Santa Rosa, CA 9pm $5

Nov 5- Waterwheel Saloon, Columbia, CA 9pm $5

Nov 6- Whiskey Dick’s, South Lake Tahoe, CA 10pm $10

Nov 7- The Alley, Sparks, NV 9pm, $10

October & November Shows!!

robertselander — Tue, 28 Sep 2010 22:14:18 +0000

Fall has come and so has a bunch of new things to for me to devote my time to. Right now my pal Sean Hart and I are recording our first full length Tartar Control Album. If you don’t know what Tartar Control is, here’s a link. I think we’re going to call it “We’re Not Selling Anything” or “The Book of Tartar Control”. We’re not sure yet. What I do know is that it will have over 30 songs, some comedy sketch dialogue, and possibly SECRETS… This epic masterpiece or morman inspired punk rock is being recorded in my basement and is fueled by decaf Earl Grey tea with lemon and honey plus delicious BBQ! We’re thinking that it will be completely done by December. Woo!!

Also, it looks like I’ll be getting a monthly show at Meltdown Comics here in LA. My friend Sax offered me a character based comedy show where me and my friends could do all of our weird acts. I’m pretty excited, as most shows in LA outside of the big clubs claim to be alternative, but are really just stand up shows with comics dressed as hipsters. I think I can do something different. Something that is actually alternative but quality too. Or I may just be blowing big poofy farts out of my mouth. We’ll see. But that won’t happen until December, after the Tartar Control album is done.

With all that said, I’m not doing as many shows around town as I was a few months ago. But I am going on two mini tours and have a few gigs for October and November. Here they are!!

10/9- Tartar Control @ The Tomorrow Show, Midnight, $8

10/16- Tartar Control @ The Strange, 9pm, $5 Donation

10/30- Tartar Control @ The Doll Hut, 9pm, $5

11/4- The Punk Rock Vaudeville Roadshow @ The Waterwheel in Columbia, CA - $10, 9pm

11/5- The Punk Rock Vaudeville Roadshow @ Zephyr Lounge in Reno, CA- $10, 9pm

11/6- The Punk Rock Vaudeville Roadshow @ Whiskey Dicks in Lake Tahoe, CA – $10, 9pm

11/7- The Punk Rock Vaudeville Roadshow @ Voodoo Lounge in San Jose, CA – $10, 9pm

That’s it for now. Fly!!